Dear Dr. X
I think the mouse on my computer is really a very small elephant. What should I do?
Dear Dr. X (Elephant consultant),
Is there a point to your life?
Dear Doctor X,
I am labouring under the misapprehension that mOOses are better than Elephants. All my friends think that I am wrong, but I am sure. What do you think, and if I am wrong, can you help me to get over this problem.
Dear Dr. X,
I have had some trouble since I was captured and put in the zoo. The other elephants, the ones who crawl up the drains to visit me every night, are very kind and considerate about my condition, as I am sure any self-respecting elephant would.
My problem lies not therefore, as you may well have discerned, in my casual social interaction with my fellow pachyderms. It is however far more of an impedence to my sex life than any elephant fed regular brocolli meals, like myself, could possibly stand.
I hope that you can aid me in this as I am quite at my wits end for ways to escape this foul incarceration.
Dear Dr. X,
I am afraid to say that I was shocked and dismayed to find, on reading your problem page, that there was only correspondance with human counter-parts and none from the Elephants themselves. I refuse to believe that Elephants do not have social and economic problems in their cultural societies.
As you no doubt know, Elephants are highly intelligent and can communicate, but hide their intelligence so that they are not cut up into little pieces by ignorant humans who think that they can learn from doing this. As a society that worships elephants, I am amazed that you ignore their sensitive natures (and rights) so callously. I expected better from people who claim to know and love Pachyderms.
To quote from the St. Thomas Elephantinus, chapter 3, page 3967, subsection 245B, paraphrase 2.25:
And on the 3rd day, the great Elephant in the sky knew that he must create a pachyderm in his own divine image and embodying his own divine essence. So he made Elephant and he saw it was good. He bid Elephant to rule the world in his absence......Suffer ye not any prejudice from humans for thou art mighty as the size of thy nose.
Maybe it is time for an alternative society to start: B.U.M.P (Businesses for Unrecognised rights of Mammoths and other Pachyderms).If do not improve yourselves immediately, B.U.M.P. will campaign for the Elesoc to be made a De-Elephantised Zone.
Giles Mcleod, Keeper of the sacred wooly tusk
Robin Taylor, High Priest of the trumpeting trunk
Dear Dr X
please please help me, my pet human has started to behave strangely lately. He has left me all alone for hours on end while he runs off to his bedroom with Julia, the other human I bought for him as he was feeling lonely. She screams and complains as he drags her off and the noises that eminate from the room are simply unbearable to witness. What should I do, I'm only a small elephant (less than 2 inches from trunk to tail) and have no way of stopping these terrible events.
A worried Barbar from Take That fan
Dearest Proff Dimbleby,
Why is it that nobody is aware of the true size of elephant, I've never seen an elephant of the correct size.
Dear Dr X,
I noticed your plug for a Wicked Bulk Holdings Chocolate Chastity Belt a few posts back and purchased one of these fine items only to discover that it was not infact made of chocolate. Wicked Bulk Holdings (WBH) subsiduary Premium Pack Foodstuffs claims that they use only the finest Tasty Chocolate Substitute when constructing the belt because real chocolate would melt. However I can hardly reconsile the term 'Chocolate Substitute' with the brown stained rough hewn pine structure of the belt.
Unpeturbed I gave the belt a test nibble and found it quite unpallatable. Consuming more than a couple of bites at a time never failed to give me indigestion. Furthermore, because there was no mechanism to unlock the belt I was compelled to digest a significant quantity of the material in a great hurry before Camilla could get back to school.
I communicated at length with the WBH Chastity Quality Supervisor but it appears that his role is to assess the chastity of individuals rather than products, as I discovered to my great distress when I visited the WBH Chastity Quality Clinic. I can honestly say I have never seen a monacle used in that manner before, but I digress.
Is the WBH Chocolate Chastity Belt really the kind of product you willingly associate your name with? Are Wicked Bulk Holdings the secret sponsor of elesoc? I feel cheated by this outrageous recommendation and shall be pursuing a complaint with the Associated Pachyderm Standards Commision unless I receive a full explanation forthwith.