Dear Cheated

I am so sorry for your ordeal but I urge you not to contact the Associated Pachyderm Standards Commision. I am in no manner under the influence of Alphonzo Q. Whumpus, honourable and benevolent member of the Wicked Bulk Holdings board. Under no account has his department of Revelry and Debauchery collected delicate information concerning my conduct and used threats of disclosure to alter my judgement.

R & D is an honest department which does not have access to vast information resources. They certainly couldn't locate the educational records for Miss Camilla Hatchet of Cuddlington Primary school (Age 9), pupil of a cartain Mr Cheated. Nor could they locate the address of the sender so thoughtfully printed at the head of your personalised stationary. Or indeed infer from that information that Mrs Cheated is a High court Judge of hitherto unimpeechable reputation.

Such delicate information is never held by R & D against the wishes of the subjects. However, should R & D become aware of any evidence of a crime they would be compelled by law (Consult Mrs Cheated if you so desire) to pass that information on to the authorities. I am sure that if you take note of all their qualities you will find that WBH is an honest, infant adoring, reputable organisation.

Alphonzo Q. Whumpus
Dr X

Ps. Product information that arrives with the chocolate chastity belt, as a result of printing error, omits data concerning the concealed audio/video recording device. Should a belt be thrown away the built-in homing beacon should activate triggering an instant response from dedicated R & D personell who are keen to comply with European standards of electronic waste recycling. The data, in compliance with the standard WBH rights waiver, is full property of WBH... A test nibble Mr Cheated? I wouldn't lable those slavering mastications as mere nibbles. Neither, I'm sure, would Bob Hatchet. Did you know he was once the champion pugilist of the Cuddlington Arms?